Hidlo Wisdom Keeping

I have begun a new healing process. And it seems to be working. Not because I am feeling better. Which I am in small ways.

But rather because of the shit storm being generated within me.  I am seeing some progress through alternative methodologies. Of varying styles. The AMA methodology is not working….Much frustration, wringing of hands and being ignored in the doctor’s office….

Yet the shit storm within me. The dreams that come…struggling with unfamiliar shadows, missing cues and signals from the body, all are creating havoc. Yet still there is almost a kind of nurturence there. My complacency is waning. I am no longer satisfied to fight the good fight and die swinging.

I have few illusions about the odds of achieving some of my goals. Yet I still persist. Which does tell me that there are still things left in this life to do. Sometimes my own fatalism can reach epic proportions.

And then I must realize that these are actually not mine. It is amazing the struggles within my dreams. The epic battles waged against the expectations of others. My genetic lineages. My society. Friends and family. But it boils down to me, really.

I think perhaps this is why I don’t have a large family. I would get swallowed up. Then I would never learn the lessons I am learning now. Now, as I sit here typing with my wrist covered with a woolly sock to deal with the pain of tendinitis, while outside my dog and the neighbors dogs bark at the missus Coyote going about her nightly runs with her pups in tow, teaching them how to survive in the human world, I find the whole thing laughable and quite entertaining at the same time.

She is not encumbered by what ‘should’ be. No, she set up shop in the next field.  Yet I still have to deal with the demons of my own making and those of my humans society. She stays low when people are about and does her scavenging when she can and also plays with our local dogs, just to keep her paw in, as it were. I admire her greatly.

She is imparting necessary skills, as I am trying to do for myself. My world is once again changing. All of the past has come flapping off like some broken reel of movie film, clattering around on a projector. I am having to forge my life anew and doing so as consciously as possible.

I am having to re create myself yet again at middle age. Half a century of living life lightly so as to not leave much of a mark takes it’s toll. yet I have done well for others and even for myself in terms of learning life’s valuable little lessons.

Yet, here I struggle in this new little chrysalis of hope and further trust in the Universe. Trusting and working to create the new me, a new butterfly of a being, right for the next fifty years of life in potencia, helping myself as well as others, and moving forward upon a path of wisdom.

Someday, after I’ve died and am gone, at rest in my earthy tomb, I will be forgotten as I pass out of the memory of ken, yet I know that my small contribution to the Universe unfolding itself will always remain, just like everything and everyone else, a spark of experience and awareness, helping the Universe experience itself, towards whatever goals or ends.

My spirit will continue onto it’s next incarnation, if that is needful and wanted or perhaps to remain discarnate for a time. I am after all but a part of the universe. I play my role with joy and acceptance…as much as I am able…